Peter was (is) such a good kid. Just so troubled. I don’t know how people say their kids are “bad.” He was frustrating and an enigma and hard to understand. But good lord, it’s clear he was struggling. I yelled at him a lot, and I also let his moods affect the family (how do we not)… but he was never mean or manipulative or bad, just exhausting. I think how much pain he must’ve been in. And he’s often sad now about his childhood which absolutely breaks my heart.
I am sitting outside, enjoying the birds and the eventual sunset. It is 54°, and feels like 47. I’m wearing a sweater and a turtleneck and have a blanket over me. But I doubt I will last long enough to see the sunset. It is fucking cold.
Also I ordered a bird feeder and birdseed — first I researched. What is the appropriate kind for Central Florida – this will hang on the hook that the prior owners left us.
We certainly have more bird activity in this backyard. Then we did the old one. There’s a little tiny, cute bird that hangs on our backyard sometimes. And lately, I have been leaving the screen door open to make it easier for Luna to get out, and yesterday the little bird was inside the porch. But he figured his way out again.
I will confess I have not been walking Luna. But she does not seem to be outside either. She’s not even out here for the sunset right now.
I miss Peter & Sean. I’ve done some unpacking. I made a little progress in the garage even! I’ve actually been working for CRI for a change too. Plus a ridiculous number of doctors appointments. I certainly not been eating regularly nor sleeping enough. But that’s cause I’m an idiot when Sean is not around.
Meanwhile I repaired the decapitated flamingo
I’ve had white wine and Nilla wafers and Survivor… I’m totally relaxed.
Earlier today, I donated a big coat, some jackets and sweaters and scarves to a group that gives them to homeless people.
anxieties -- and with later updates
Which activities, if doubled, would make your life meaningfully better?
Which activities, if halved, would make your life meaningfully better?
Texted to Sean:
The apartment was so cold… it took all day for the starter to rise. So bread got started last night…. Had to go in fridge after two stretch & folds. We should have bread tonight. Maybe I’ll start another starter now, so I can make more bread by Thursday.
I’d had ambitions to be at my desk by 8… but a warm bed and NYT puzzles distracted me.
Peter doesn’t seem super keen on coming home on weekends. I suspect he wants to stay in college mode, might be easier to study and focus here. Also… if he goes back and forth, he’ll need to remember to bring books or laptop back and forth. That’ll be more stress.
So I’m hoping I can come home with him in Honda this Thursday, then you drive up in Honda on Sunday with him. Then the following Thursday, I may need to fetch you in the Subaru so he has the Honda here.
And in future, when we come up for one day, one of us will drive up and back in Subaru. It’s fine — the person at home will survive overnight without a car. Yes, eventually we’ll get a third car.
It’s not the end of the world if we go for awhile with only two cars. Between bikes, Nora, uber, and just being patient… it’ll be fine.
Between gas, insurance, repairs and purchasing a 3rd car… we will save more than $1000 a month — yes even with a hybrid. For it mostly to be sitting around since we both work from home. We should practice riding our bikes to Publix. And check out grocery delivery for the hot months. If we spend less than $1000 a month on Ubers and grocery delivery — we’d be ahead of the game.
Also I can’t have tea… I took the tea kettle to Lakeland. Must bring back. But I have a car full of stuff to bring to Lakeland on Thursday.
Posted on BlueSky:
I’d get more work done if I wasn’t doing laundry and helping the boy buy his school books.
Then again… my employers aren’t sending me enough work so I might as well do laundry, drive the boy around, bake bread, and post nonsense on BlueSky. It doesn’t pay well, but it keeps life interesting.
Stonecreek house: still not sold
New extension of another ten days. But they’ve agreed to pay the “carrying costs” — utilities, insurance, tax, interest on loan — from today forward.
Good lord. Now that it’s costing THEM money, maybe they’ll get their shit together.
Funny enough things went sideways also when we bought the Stonecreek house 23 years ago.
Our old house fit our needs when we moved in 23 years ago.
It fit our needs less over the years, but it was cheaper to stay and we were heavily invested in the community we’d built in that location.
Enough has shifted in past couple years that it was finally time to let go and move on.
That’s why I’m not too emotional about it. It’s time. It’s actually been time for a while… but until 2025, we didn’t have a location to move TO. Then suddenly, we did. And our new house fits our needs so well that letting go of the old house has been easier than I expected.
But still, I lived in this house 23 years. Longer than anywhere else in my life. Raised my kids here. Faced my mortality here.
It’ll always be in my heart.
Things I did today instead of Doom Scrolling
good lord, I need a slow quiet day. Soon. This was supposed to be just massage and work day. I woke up stupid early, but then spent the time super organizing my To Do list app and coming up with 26 good goals for 2026. So that was kind of nice.
But then many messages about fence and HOA and locksmith. And research of water systems and paint. And driving Peter around. And getting my glasses fixed. it dies t feel like that much but somehow the day got away. I’m pooped.
i did remember to do my stretches though so that’s good.
… and it turns out, we’re out of cat litter so now I need to go out and get that tonight. Cause I gotta be in Lakeland by 7:15 tomorrow.
I still need to sign in at work to put some time in, just in case things go badly tomorrow. I also want to take a photo of the full moon!
Today I committed to painters. And a fence installer. And had the garage doors serviced. And thought about paint colors and tile and placement of light fixtures. And wished Erin Schrump Silver was here to help me with picking colors. Maybe I’ll consult with her by phone.
And waited for a handyman who never came.
And reached out to an electrician and locksmith. Who responded while i wrote this. Ordered a lock and scheduled appointments already. This post took a very long time to write!
And showed Nora the new house for the first time.
What I didn’t do today: eat. No wonder my brain is mush. Waiting now for sushi order before driving to Peter’s condo, as i call it now.
Anyway… here’s photos of various odd shit attached to the walls that i want to remove.
Last spring, to list the house, we packed stuff we wanted to keep but wouldnt miss for a few months. Lots of books and games and kitchen gadgets and some furniture. We also threw away/donated a lot.
Now we’re digging deeper, and really throwing out, and a bit more donating, and packing things we can live without for a month.
Hoo whee. New house is nearly the size of this one, so we could just move it all. But ugh… let’s get rid of the crap buried in back of closets we haven’t seen/needed/missed for 10+ years!
Hopefully we can be more intentional with filling the new space. Or even just live with more space!
I still worry about long-term power/internet outages or economic collapse if i am really paranoid. So im not willing to part with too much physical media: CDs, books, games, puzzles. But decorative items, i am letting go of easily. New house, new look…
And anything electronic that doesn't go with an item we currently own — straight to trash.
EDITED TO ADD:
Found a $50 bill, and gift cards totalling $105 when clearing out Peter’s room. Found $50 in movie gift cards while clearing stuff out of garage.
Donated 3 bags of toiletries for an immigrant group with the help of a friend.
Threw out many bags of trash.
Luna likes all the new-found space.
Today was good! Only 17 more days to go!
ADDED LATER
When living in a space, you do a big declutter now and then: say, when painting a room or a kid moves out, or just a big spring cleaning.
But never do you go as deep — obviously — than when moving out. So much deep, deep in closets and attic just looked over for years.
This will be such a refresh.
Sent this to Jon’s mother, while Jon is laid up after knee surgery:
Jon is looking good. I stayed the night last night before heading home (West Palm Beach) for thanksgiving. I’m sure he’s bored with sitting all the time, but healing is hard work. Earlier this week, I had a fun time learning a video game from him and talking music. He’s such a nice guy. Good job, Ruth!
I can only assume that 2026 will be more insane than 2025. And I’m glad we’ll be settled in, ready to hunker down, near the kids, as needed.
Or! If it’s not too insane, have a cheaper, safer base of operations, near the kids, and do some traveling before the world goes truly insane or we’re too old. It’ll be a race to see which happens first.
I grew my starter, Bertha, for a couple days.
Then this morning, I took out 25 grams to start a new loaf tonight (it’ll actually be two small loaves.)
And I moved 160 grams (an arbitrary amount) to another small jar. And then I fed that. I’m taking that with me back to West Palm for Thanksgiving baking. Sean accidentally killed his starter.
Then , after taking out that 185 grams, I fed Bertha with another 40 grams total of water and flour to keep her happy and flourishing for post Thanksgiving baking.
I think my point of this post is I knew nothing about sourdough before last May, and now I’m all moving starter around, treating it like a pet, planning multiple bakes. Weird how it sorta takes over but also fits into my life. It’s nice to have a project that yields immediate results that makes everyone happy.
Bonded with my son in law over a game of Untitled Goose. That was insane. 😆
Im loving having long hair. But I’m gonna have to give up carrying a purse…
I’ve been on recent cycle of listening to a lot of Elvis Costello, Rolling Stones, Tracy Chapman, Slaid Cleaves… makes for interesting mix for my Apple Music algorithm.
“They ripped me off like false lashes” is a really good line (Taylor Swift song)
John Roberts will go down in history as one of our worst Chief Justices. His legacy.
Giving direction in the South in USA: When you see the giant cross, take that exit. If you see the giant confederate flag, you missed the exit. (I 75, getting into I 4 to go to Lakeland)
And finally:
I’m at a “Japanese” restaurant in Lakeland. I think there might be one Asian person working here.
It’s a counter service place. I ordered Hibachi Chicken, which Jon requested. The very white clerk asked me: do you want fried rice and vegetables with that? I asked: doesn’t it come with those?? She just wanted to know if it was OK. Who the heck is ordering at this restaurant? 😆 The menu states and the photo shows rice and veggies. I guess some people expect only meat? I said yes I wanted the meal as described.
I hear her asking other people the same thing. I guess it’s a point of confusion here.
This is (so far) the most country bumpkin southern Asian food place I’ve ever been.
This may be one of our challenges living here: how to express dismay without being insulting?
I’m sure my face said: what the Fuck are you going on about, woman?
Dinner: half bottle white wine. Half (small) loaf of blue cheese sourdough pull-apart bread made by me. Good lord.
#LifeIsGood #nomnom
Diet starts… once both of these are done.
AND
Holy shit.
How was Warren Zevon only 56 when he died?
It was 20+ years ago, so I thought he was so “old”. Now I’m older than that.
I need a better photo to show the color
Took this photo because of the braids, but today I was also admiring the good blond color job done by @simplycolourbydean. It’s been about 3 weeks, and I really like the color. I appreciate he kept it natural and thought ahead on the growing out and used natural products. I’m glad I found him.
also! I love my new glasses! They’re green!
Me to employer: keep me at associate, I don’t want to move up. You get years of experience in a low level position.
One particular partner keeps expecting ME to *manage* and *be responsible* for his clients.
No, that’s what the *manager* is for. I literally said don’t put me in charge of things.
And…. Now they have let a wealthy client slip through the cracks. I’m scrambling to find out what happened, how to keep her happy… and said partner is not answering my email or Teams message.
Gaaaaah
Haven’t been keeping up with my Small Joys. But sometimes a break is a good idea. Been working more. Been baking a lot of bread. Been taking care of Peter and condo. Now the cat is sick, so that takes priority today.
My heart troubles “started” in 2017 I always say. But honestly I’d been in the hospital twice before then with heart issues. Plus family history. Most likely I didn’t notice all the little ways my failing heart was slowing me down in the decade before 2017.
I missed out on a lot of my daughter’s high school and college years. 😕 I honestly thought I was just lazy, but I was so easily fatigued. Being fat and middle aged didn’t help my energy or self image.
Chronic illness often sneaks up on you. When symptoms happen occasionally or have seeming solutions in a medication… you think it’s a blip. Sure, with my family history, I was going to develop heart trouble… but not in my 40s! Everything was just a speed bump.
But, looking back, I *was* sick.
And then the week I turned 50, my heart started a serious decline in function. I still thought each procedure or new med would fix it. And I’d be right back to normal. And my expectation of normal lowered so I thought this was good enough, not realizing how much my energy had slipped.
Then in 2019, a procedure did not help for a change. And then came two hospital stays with deadly symptoms, and a quick decline into congestive heart failure.
I finally was like, oh hey. Maybe I’m … you know…sick. Like forever with this.
A pacemaker has helped a lot. And when I pay attention and keep healthy habits, I feel good like I’m in my 40s instead of (my experience of) early 50s. But I know this thing is legit.
I kinda wish I’d taken it more seriously earlier. Then others would have too.
But also… who would want to identify as a near invalid with two teenagers while in the midst of a career re-start. You don’t want others to worry. You don’t want to worry! You feel mostly great most of the time! And there’s life to be lived.
I guess I wish a doctor had sat me down and talked about how serious — though manageable — this all was going to be. That I could be mostly fine most of the time, but I was never not going to be a cardiology patient.
But they’re cardiologists not psychologists.
Who knows.
I am trying to finally take my body seriously at 58…?
